I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
