Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
