It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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