You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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