Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
