If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
