A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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