Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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