i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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