final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
