just come out here and I will go home with you...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
