i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
