I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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