I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
