That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just found puke in my bra..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
