just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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