felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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