Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
