Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
