I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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