we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My ATM looks so different sober.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
