I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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