someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
