dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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