You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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