fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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