When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
