i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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