I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think my fart just growled at me.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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