I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
