I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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