Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
