I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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