It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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