it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
