I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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