I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
