Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
