im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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