Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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