I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
