someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have aggressive nipples.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
