My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
