You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
