Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
