WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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