I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Is it because I queefed?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
