I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
