bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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