i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
