Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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