I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
