Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
