I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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