I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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