How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
How's work?
Spinning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
