I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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