There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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