i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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