How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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