somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
