Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
