i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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