and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
